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"It’s been a long time since I’ve felt right"
-(via pxppunky)

I hate being me. On Saturday I opened up another Short Term Disability claim & tried to call the emergency line of my psychs office bc I was/am breaking down. He wasnt on call but I found out from the on call Dr. that he wont even be in the office until the following wk(on vacation).  I feel like What About Bob with my stressing that I haven’t got to talk to him. Its irrational & stupid even tho that movie is hysterical. Anyway my Dr. previously agreed to fill out FMLA paperwork for me for at least intermittent leave but then after being told from my employer that I qualified for 96 hrs they were like oh you have 96 hrs to use but you cant use them until youve worked 1250 hrs. Fml so I kept working towards the 1250 but Im only now at 1021 & Im spent. It feels like Im being suffocated the minute I walk in the door. Its like that w the mall & I used to love shopping. My anxiety & depression has taken over & ruined my life.
I cant stand to fake being happy on the phones anymore. Im exhausted. I have no positive energy. I barely want to get out of the bed in the morning much less hear about some bitchy customers tragic cell phone horror story(heavy sarcasm!! people act like its the end of the fucking world bc their phone broke or they went over on their data etc). I dont want to live like this. So unhappy. Medicating myself to try n feel nothing, just get thru everyday like a zombie. No one understands how much Ive tried. How my history is just as shitty as my current situation. Im sick of false hope. I would just quit n let my bills hit my credit (which is a joke now as it is) but Id still need medical insurance. Ive applied for a gazillion positions most pt jobs dont offer medical, I was shot down from 2-3 places for ft. I have a bunch of medicine I need monthly but having insurance goes so much further than that. It feels like I have a lump at the base of my throat & my Gastroenterologist is sending me for an endoscopy. How am I supposed to pay for something like that w no insurance (if I quit or get fired). Ya kno Joan Rivers just died from cardiac arrest from an endoscopy. Why is it that Im so miserable in life but afraid to die? I guess I fear what Id leave behind. Part of me always wishes something bad will happen to me bc then I wouldn’t be hated in death but Im still scared. Maybe scared of the unknown. thats the thing w people who are depressed. Its not that we want to die, we just dont want to live, we want an escape. I was devastated when I found out abt Robin Williams hanging himself but then I cried bc I understood how he felt. Ive even thought of running away & changing my name. Sounds stupid Ik. Most the things I think I never do.
Instead I just exist.

Should’ve had a v8!

Filling out job applications & I think its prolly best I stop for the night. I was in the midst of applying for two positions. One for a Senior Living Community Relations Diirector & one for an admin at an Animal Hospital. On the Senior Living app theres a question Motivation for Job Change? My answer: Face to face customer service & love of animals. & yes I submitted it.  

"This is not Art.
This is Falling Apart.
There is no beauty
In being broken."
-M.S. (via coffee-crinkled-pages)

Here’s serious advice. Even the nicest people have their limits. Don’t try to reach that point because the nicest people are also the scariest assholes when they’ve had enough.

"…We only obsess over relationships that feel unfinished."
-"Cock A Doodle Do." Sex and the City. (via wordsnquotes)