I finally have the answers to questions I needed answer for abt a year now. I am currently smiling with my heart. Part of me will always love him. Always. I can’t explain why. But I am thrilled he is doing well  & so unbelievably proud. That my followers is the mark of true love. Putting someone else’s needs before your own & not being content until they accomplish their own happiness.  Maybe I can find my own happiness now. The following convo took place after I wrote my initial msg to him. For those who want to read, it is lengthy. But any blog Ive ever wrote in relation to Phil was. The dash before each response is his. 

-  I am doing well and perhaps we can talk soon, I’m at work right now on my first closing shift by myself, so can’t really at the moment

Ok.  good luck on closing

hope it was alright I ended up sending that msg. sry bout the bad timing.

- it’s bad timing again, on my way to rehab, I’ll message you when I’m home if you want

kk

- so seems like you know mostly what’s going on with me, how have you been?

well, Ik but I dont Id like to hear it from you. Me? I just got back from Nashville. Still rly indecisive abt moving or not but still at vzw n need out

-  who told you I was in rehab, if you don’t mind my asking. being that not a ton of people know

I wouldnt rat the person out. He was being a good friend to both of us. Phil, my fam & friends judged me so deeply when I gave you another chance and would be horrified Im talking to you again. but I needed to know how you were doing. Thoughts of you or fam n Liam clouded my mind popped up more than I even wanted them to. I didnt just losr you when I lost you.

-  well im sorry I hurt you but when I got the DWI I knew it was something I needed to face and deal with on my own. I’ve got a new job, quit drinking and smoking both pot and cigarettes, and been running for just over a month

lose* that was a big msg sry for the errs.

Im still smoking cigs but I wanna stop! I AM SOOO PROUD OF YOU.

-  by the way my guess is Jesse since you’re still friends with him

It was something I wanted to be there for u tho. & I guess even now I just don’t understand still what happened that you decided to push me away

Hon dont jump to conclusions its a small town lol alot of freakin ppl kno of u.

-  I don’t even think I could answer that myself, all I can do is apologize. I was under the influence of various substances. last time I got a dwai when I was 18, Krystle was driving me around and taking care of me and I loathed it, didn’t want to go thru that again I guess

I always thought the drugs had something to do with it. No rational sane person would say ily I wont hurt you and then do it again. I think bc of that I wanted to forgive you. I understand also your not wanting to lean on me but I cared n thats all I wanted was to help. can u call? instead of msg?

-  I’ve always been really good at ruining my relationships tho, ask any of my exes. I’d rather not tonight, watching TV with my parents and probly going to bed after that.

thats all right. I just thought it might be easier.

Nonetheless, I fell in love again. I dated again & 7 months later was hurt again. The months following that break up I had a few dreams abt u. I realized stupid things would remind me of you, certain smells, something someone whole say, anything mario, lol. I needed either closure in a positive way or reopen that door.

-  Liam loves Mario nearly as much as me. he wants us to be Mario and Luigi for Halloween this year

I think I masked the pain n confusion by jumping into something new n I prolly shouldn’t have.

Ik he does. lol. One thing u said hurt way deep. That he wouldnt even remember me. Your momma cried when we split. I went over when u werent there n took all the things that were remembrances of me. Except the shirt I gave you for Fathers day. Which I seen you still wear.

-  I wear it a lot actually

-  he loves pac man too, we just started watching a new cartoon today

I hafta ask, If I hadnt msgd u, would u have ever reached out to me? Did you ever rly love me?

- I dunno, and yes respectively

For you n for your family I wanted you to get btr. Then when u shunned me on badoo I have up trying to all sooner questions i needed answers to. btw that shirt.. its that’s the one in your profile pic isnt it?

ask* … rly?

ask all* damn I hate swype sometimes lol

- the stock keyboard has gesture typing now, I like it better than swype. so it is, ironically I took that pic on father’s day

I guess what Im saying is did u have regret as I said u would did u think of me as I thought of u months later?

-  I have thought about you yes, it wasn’t really out of regret, more curiosity as to how you’re doing

what phone do u have now? Knowing you I dont think ya stuck w the Maxx still. hah Ive got the S3. - I hated that youd come to mind consciously n unconsciously. I realized then I had actually cared so much more than I could ever puy into words.

put* Not out of regret? As in you dont wonder what might have been or could have been? Have u been w anyone since?

-  I have a nexus 4 on T-Mobile. actually tho I gave up the maxx for an s3 and hated it so traded it for another maxx before starting my own prepaid account through T-Mobile.

-  not really, I try not to dwell on the past, especially now that I’ve come so far, I have not been with anyone since you. too focused on fixing my life to try and bring anyone into it

I love the s3! except the typing bit lol. Good for you tho. Glad you took responsibility getting on ur own plan. I think if we reopen “us” its obviously going to be so hard to trust but I am very proud of u.

What do u mean “not rly”? relationship wise or *ahem* sexually?

-  the s3 is plastic garbage. I really want an HTC one but gonna look into att or sprint cuz tmobiles network sucks

-  the not really was in response to the question before that. I have not been with anyone in any way

I meant rel wise but guys sometimes take “been with” in diff ways. - Ik tmobile sucks. if i didn’t work for vz still which I so badlly want out of Id pry need another carrier cos vz is expensive.

-  T-Mobile is cheap I pay 50/month unlimited everything but can’t get a data signal that’s comparable to 3g till I hit Henrietta

Is that something you want do tho? reopen us or why did you respond. I guess I wanted u to even for just closure but honestly after what Id been thru w u didnt have any expectation.

Wow. that blows. Its like whats the sense of having unlimited if you cant use it. Which is what I tell my customers all the time too.

-  I would not be opposed to friendship but I don’t feel like I’m really ready for a relationship at this point

well, that being said, all things take time. My trust for one.

-  I would go back to vzw if they weren’t so expensive and didn’t only offer the same recycled garbage phones. how many versions of the RAZR can they make?!

I asked u to call, ik u said not now or whatever but do u have my # still? it keeps saying your msg hasnt been sent n I hafta try again. Even txting would be easier.

that’s just Motorola which I was nvr a fan of rly. Idk why u don’t like the S3. Ik u wanted it at one point n I like it. lol.

-  I don’t need a home button, it’s too i-phoney for me

it has a home button silly. what abt the # thing btw?

ohh “don’t” nvrmnd read that wrong

- I cleaned my phone out I don’t think I still have it

me neither. I was angry n I didnt think Id ever need it. but, —-4429 txt me

- hey

heyyy … jeez I knew ur # by heart at one pt. funny what the mind forgets n the heart remembers.

-yeah

so do you still talk to everyone down at the inn? still go there?

- I talk to pretty much no one, still FB friends thats about it. havent been there in like 6-8 months

I guess that was one of the annoying things too abt us breakin up I ran into so many ppl that knew u or of u. I lost a lot of friends besides your family unit. Not so much bc they dissed me or something bc I saw Tim McGraw w Ashley n Dan but bc I couldnt hangle it w the reminders. Little did I know that the reminders would still come up. I knew youd need to to stay way from triggers. Its a bad place for that, drinking n drugs shit. I rly didnt wanna go there also bc I felt like I was contributing to a lifestyle I didnt believe in n I knew ruined something good. 

- yeah I havent completely quit drinking Ive only drank a few times in the past 8 months once at my friends wedding and a couple other random times. 

we were unstoppable together besides the shit that kept coming up - btw I even deleted Jesse for a long time but added him back after the break up w Dace. He’s a good dude tho. Everyone drinks occasionally its knowing your limit. how long if you dont mind my asking have been off the harder stuff?

- yea hes weird. well this was oddly nice catching up but Im gonna get ready for bed, my boss picks me up around 9 and I wanna get up early and run.

ok talk soon?

- I havent touched what I think your talking about since we split, havent smoked weed in 6 months, quit smoking [cigs] just over a month ago

:D so awesome

- yeah we can talk soon. good night.

gn. sleep well. 

Me:  What the fuck are you doing. What. The fuck. Are you doing.
Me:  NICE BLINKER ASSHOLE.
Me:  Why the FUCK are we not even going the speed limit. Why.
Me:  I AM GOING TEN MILES PER HOUR OVER THE SPEED LIMIT WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT
Me:  Shit is that a cop? No.
Me:  Shit THAT is a cop.
Me:  /dinosaur screams/
Me:  Go fuck yourself.

Im truly not even sure why I am writing this after the way you treated me so long ago. I suppose the time of year, your birthday coming up & all. Came to your pg to know if you were doing all right. Heard thru the grape vine you were in or completed rehab. Looks like from your cover photo that you’ve got back into track. Bc I seriously did love you, I always wanted the best for you & I hope you are doing well, or at least better.

- I had to. I rly don’t know why. But I did. 

God why do I fb stalk my ex. :( I guess I just wanna know he is alright. I rly did love him.